so i couldn't really find a picture that could fit what i wanted to say. plus i dont have time i just want to get this out.
this might be a rant but it will make me feel better.

so my friend jenna. i guess we were bestfriends during the school year. and she would always tell me that omg alex your my bestfriend. really jenna?? what about eryn and jazzy?? they are like sisters to me. you are my best friend. and i was sooo okay with that because i considered her my bestfriend. we were so much alike.even if we were sitting there watching tv we would find some way to have fun. i thought that this friendship would last forever. i had a dream one night that i was thirty and i was on the phone with my best friend jenna.i was content with things how they were and i was fine with them staying like that. but then school ended and she went to summer school. and i went to camp. i hadn't hung out with her in two weeks and finally we go to hang out and i practically invite myself over. i felt like she wasn't even excited to see me. i guess i was in total shock. and things just got worse. it felt awkward and like we were hanging out for the first time ever!! i didn't like it so i told her straight up that she was different. i couldn't explain it and i still cant but she was. not the same person that i was bestfriends with. so things got a little better and we actually talked to each other and stuff. then that night we watched a sad movie. and at every movie i cry. so it made it worse becuase so much had happened that day an i just needed to cry. so when the lights were out and the fan was on full blast i just let it out. i didn't mean for her to hear me at all. i just needed to get it out somehow. but of course she heard my sniffles and came over...so she told me that she was different at the time. summer school had changed her and she was forced to find new friends. and i understood that. but i just wanted my friend back. she barley txted me at all and we used to text every day no matter what. and always say i love you before we left. she just said thats shes been so tired lately that she doesn't feel like texting. well its been a month and summer school is over but still not alot of texting. anyways she calmed me down and reassured me that she wasn't going anywhere and that she would be back to normal when school starts again. i really wanna believe that. even eryn and valentina said that when she went to summer school in seventh grade the same thing happened. she just started acting tough. and i believe that but i just wanna know for sure. i need school to start so i can get my friend back. but then there is another thing. jenna and eryn have been best friends since forever. and i feel like i was never jennas bestfriend. because now all i see and hear is eryn is my bestfriend. and yeah it makes me so jealous. i feel like during the school year i took her place and she probably felt the same way but still i cant help wanting to know that what jenna said was true. that im her bestfriend and eryn is like a sister. i know that sounds selfish but idc. she was the first person to ever say that i was their bestfriend. all i've ever had was groups. and somehow i always get stuck as the odd one out. and for once it felt amazing to have a bestfriend. last night when eryn was mad at her for leaving the room she got so upset. i want to know if she ever looses me how she will feel. if its even worth sticking it out and hanging in there to just get hurt again in the end. i wanna know if she really does care about me as much as i care about her......before summer started she said that she was afraid that i would leave over the summer. and when school started that i would just be another friend. i told her that was bull shit and im never gunna leave and to stop being scared. i guess i should have been the one scared. . . . . . . .

i honestly dont know what to think at all. right now im in such a confused state....all i wanna do is cry and sit in a corner. i know valentina will always be there for me. so i dont have to worry about loosing her. but i still worry about that amazing friendship with jenna that i had and may never get back....

I need to swing. It helps me get everything off my mind. And i need everything off my mind. Alot has happened this weekend. And i mean alot. I wont go into detail but i made a mistake. I have two different opinions on the situation and im not really sure which is right. First i have myself convinced thats its not a big deal. People do this all the time, i haven't changed im still the same girl i always was. Its not like im going to do this all the time now! I just idk. Things just kinda happened. Plus its not like i went all they way it seems pretty little compared to what could have happened. But then i feel like it is a big deal. Maybe this doesn't happen all the time. Did i change?! I have no idea. . . im a little confused right now... i guess its a good thing school is over with. Just exams then im free. Free to do (mostly) what i want. I need more rest and a good solid day off to really think about things. . . for now ill just stay confused...

My friend Victoria is having a sweet sixteen party where we have to dress up semi formal and in black and white. I cant wait to buy a dress. I want something really cute and flirty and fun, but be easy to dance it. I think were going shopping on Sunday...and im so excited. Im not sure who is going to be at the party but maybe ill get to meet someone new. I really hope i do! :) Today me and dan talked...finally. Its too weird not talking to him and im ok with us just being friends. I think i can deal. He even came right out an said that we wouldn't work and i agreed. It wouldn't. He needs someone who will be able to go over to his house and idk. I think it could have worked if people didn't get in the way and he actually gave it a chance. But i think its too late now. I think ill be able to move on now that we have made that clear. It will definitely be easier. Thats why i want to meet a guy at Victorias party. I want to start fresh and find someone....